If You Are Taken Hostage, We Won’t Negotiate: Please Sign For Understanding

At a meeting for my Congo trip a couple weeks ago, I was handed many release forms to sign. One in particular, caught my attention and caused…um, just a bit of hesitation. The title at the top of the form read: Upper Room’s Kidnapping and Hostage-Taking for short term mission participants.

Hostage Form (click to enlarge)



Like I don’t have enough anxiety already. “Oh don’t worry,” my trip leader assured, “it’s just a formality.” Um, last time I checked, I didn’t have to sign a hostage release form to go on a field trip, or to go to Mexico, or to work at my company. How is it now a “formality.”

As I read further down the form, my anxiety heightened. For the point of the form was to let us know that in the event we are taken hostage, Upper Room will not negotiate for us. How reassuring! We had to sign that we understood. We had to sign that we understood that in the event that we are kidnapped in central Africa, we will be left to die.

All of a sudden I wanted to curl up in a master bedroom in Minnetonka. And lock the door. Minnetonka, people are safe there. No scary kidnappers, just the sound of a whirlpool and soft Michael Buble music playing through the built-in ceiling speakers.

I snapped out of my daydream however, because I realized I can’t save the world from Minnetonka, and that’s what I plan on doing in two weeks in Africa. So I signed my life away, with the stroke of a Bic pen. I had subtle reassurance however, because I knew if I were kidnapped, George Bush would surely rescue me. He could make it his redemption platform and it would be good for both of us.

So I just wanted all my friends to know that if George Bush does fail me, however, I am charging you with Mission: Rescue Colleen From Congolese Kidnappers. And if any of you complete this mission successfully, I promise to buy you a nice house in Minnetonka, where you and I both will never be in danger again.