Friday, September 28, 2007

Boasts and Embarassment

Boast: I went to the dentist yesterday, for the first time in two and a half years. I was a little nervous, but now I would like to announce that it’s been 24 years and I am still cavity-free my friends! A lifetime achievement! Woohoo! I would like to thank city-water (which includes fluoride), sealant, and my parents’ dental insurance for enabling this accomplishment.

I remember when I was really young, this ‘public service announcement (PSA),’ always ran on TV. The PSA featured a girl who proclaimed, “I’m sixteen and have never had a cavity in my entire life.”

From the first time I saw it; I longed for such an achievement to be my own, and hoped to match this girl’s feat. Well my friends, sixteen has come and gone and I am still cavity free! Not only did I match this girl’s feat, I surpassed it by eight years! Where’s my commercial? I can only imagine how young girls everywhere would be inspired…

My dentist was hot too. First time I saw him. Married though, that’s always the case…jeez.

Time for embarrassments: So the U.S. Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services just came out with a citizenship test that’s supposed to be more effective than the previous one. I would have to agree, it does looks more effective.

After looking through the ten questions featured in the New York Times, however, I unfortunately have to admit that I’m kind of a crappy American citizen.

Ok people, how many amendments are there in the American Constitution? What? Did you say 14? That’s why I said, that’s what my co-worker said too. Welp, we were both wrong. Where did we all come up with 14?? Apparently there’s 27 – had no idea.

How bout this one – how many representatives make up the House? The answer is 435. Duh (again, had no idea).

Despite my ignorance on a few vital aspects of American life, I did get about half right, including the question that asked “Why does the flag have 13 stripes?” Because of the first 13 unions!!! Sitting at my desk, I almost yelled this aloud, pathetically excited about my knowledge.

Five out of five; not bad, but not good. I apologize, Uncle Sam, for not being a model citizen. I promise to sing the Star Spangled Banner ten times tonight to make up for it – and visit the U.S. Virgin Islands to show my appreciation of U.S. territories. Until then, I resort to Wikipedia.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I Don't Get It. You're Pretending to Shoot Aliens.

While making my unwilling commute to work this morning, I was entertaining myself by listening to the KS95 Morning Show. I know, I know, the coolest show on the radio.

Anyway, they were discussing a big event that happened yesterday. An event that, apparently, was the highlight of some peoples’ lives thus far; the release of Halo 3. Herald the press! Call sick to work! Now people across the world have a new way to fight aliens and save a virtual planet from takeover!

I don’t get it.

Why waste your time shooting fake aliens? How is this fun? Join the army. I understand that perhaps young boys would find this fun – teenagers and prepubescent males, but my confusion heightened when a guy called the radio station to profess he had been up with his friends since midnight playing Halo 3. Let me tell you, his voice was anything but young. He was 30-something at least. To add to this ridiculousness, guess what he drank to stay up; Mountain Dew. Actually, he claimed, it was a new kind of Mountain Dew called “Game Fuel.”

What. I thought no one drinks Mountain Dew besides 15 year-old boys. But here he was, a grown man, staying up all night playing video games and drinking “Game Fuel.” This is apparently, a Mountain Dew specifically purposed for helping gamers stay up all night.

Again, I don’t get it.

What is so great about video games that grown men will stay up playing all night? Wouldn’t you rather…sleep? I would. Or do something productive like…talk?

I was reading the news the other day, and they have gaming rooms in China, which I imagine are like American arcades. Apparently, a man there, or a “gamer,” as they are called, DIED from playing video games for 48 HOURS straight. He died from exhaustion or something. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why?! I haven’t been addicted to video games since Donkey Kong came out in 7th grade. They lost their appeal when I found BETTER things to DO with my TIME, or GREW UP. Someone please key me on the necessity to participate in this insane activity for hours upon hours. I’m going to do real work now

Friday, September 21, 2007

Uptown: An Obstacle Course and Other Thoughts

Yesterday I went to Heartbreakers in Uptown to find a “dress for less,” for a friend’s wedding. Luckily for me, I succeeded, now I just have to find the accessories, darned dresses and their accessories.

Anyway, last night’s obstreperous storm succeeded in causing the traffic lights on Hennepin and Lake to malfunction – so that they only blinked red, requiring pedestrians and traffic to act as if they were stop signs.

This does not work on Hennepin and Lake. Why? Because the cars seem to forget about the pedestrians, or remember and take revenge upon them for all the times the flashing person light called them to halt and wait for the silly walkers. So each time I crossed that intersection (which totaled four) I was literally running for my life, dodging oncoming bright lights on the shiny, rain-soaked road like I was competing in an Olympic obstacle course. Personally, I find that’s enough excitement for one day. However, as I prepared to cross the street for the last time that night, I saw another obstacle awaiting me on the other side: Three men in “Jesus Saves,” t-shirts, with big leather-bound Bibles.

Don’t get me wrong here people; hopefully you know I’m a Christian and really do believe Jesus saves, but still, I am acutely disturbed by men like this standing on the corner. I just don’t really think, that they are doing much good. I mean, if even I want to avoid them, how much more do people who don’t share my faith feel the urge to start talking to no one at all on their cell phones as they walk by. Plus, don’t you think that passer-bys will add the three conspicuous men to their list of “reasons why I want nothing to do with Christianity.” Even if one person is helped by these guys, don’t you think more will be hindered? Or not? I could be wrong, and God knows I don’t want to be blasphemous or encumbering to the faith. I’ve just never heard of the following situation occurring:

Guy 1: Hey guys! I believe in Jesus now!
Guy 2: What? Why?
Guy 1: Because I saw three guys on the street corner with black and white shirts that say Jesus Saves!

Ummm… I don’t know, maybe it works for some people. I just feel that today’s culture, esp. the culture in Uptown, is more reluctant to embrace an unwelcome conversion attempt, but maybe it gets them thinking. I prefer to share my faith relationally – or any other way than wearing those shirts – but maybe I’m just being cowardly. Thoughts anyone, thoughts?

BTW: Did you notice how many GRE words I included in this? Score.

Monday, September 17, 2007

My Perspicacious, Extemporanious Prattlings

Prior to signing up for the GRE last week, receiving my study book, and beginning the long, arduous task of studying, I thought of myself as being relatively intelligent.

However, my GRE study book quickly showed me how wrong this arrogant assumption was. Jeez Louise. I thought I had a fairly decent vocabularly. I mean, I can understand most people when the speak - so since I know a lot of people, I would think that would mean I knew a lot of words. WRONG. Ostensibly (what what, I used a big word), everyone I listen to must use the same five words in their vocabularly - because occording to the Princeton Review, I know about five out of a thousand important words in my native tongue.

Seriously people, why does knowing the word "nascent," mean I will succeed in graduate school. These words have no USE!! How will they help me in developing a practical education?? I mean "obviate," "onerous," "equivocate????" when will I ever use these words other than to sound important on paper or in person or in the electronic form of my blog??

Apparently, however, an increased vocabularly means I am a smarter person. Personally, I think it just means you spent a lot of time in a coffee shop memorizing big words. Er, um, "critical," words. But hey, the professors won't have to know that when I casually express they are the "most sagacious teacher I have ever had, and you have given me a voracious appetite for learning."

Ha Ha, boy will I have them fooled. Until I have developed this ability though, my blog has volunteered to help me study for the GRE by making me use a GRE word each time I blog. Pretty soon, not only will I be a more intelligent person, but so will my many, many readers. I hope you are precipitating grandeur my friends....:)

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Popcorn Prognosis

A long, long time ago, in a very strange land – my freshman year in Pioneer Hall – I had a somewhat innocent habit. Each night, I would eat a bag of microwave popcorn, but don’t worry, only the Smart Pop, 94% fat-free kind. My roommates got used to my popcorn impulse-control problem, and came to expect the smell of buttery goodness filling the room each night. For me, popcorn eliminated the boredom of studying college algebra, horticulture or some other boring subject.

I used to joke about my excessive popcorn eating, saying that I was probably going to get popcorn cancer. My friends would laugh at the thought that microwave popcorn could actually cause some sort of disease. Well, laugh no longer, for it seems that my popcorn prophecies were somewhat true. Perusing through the New York Times online Sunday, I discovered a headline that incarnated my fears:

Doctor Links a Man’s Illness to a Microwave Popcorn Habit

What?! Seriously, I was just joking when I said I would get cancer or some disease from eating so much popcorn! Please don’t let it be a reality!

Okay, okay maybe I am being slightly dramatic considering the guy who acquired this sickness would inhale the steam arising from the bag twice a day. I didn’t go that far. I just ate the bag once a day. Also, the man is still alive – this is a good sign. However, I find it somewhat comical that an careless joke of mine became somewhat of a reality. No more jokes for me, and in the meantime I will have to monitor my lungs closely, for until they are in danger of actually collapsing, I’m not giving up my popcorn.

Monday, September 10, 2007

When You Try To Sound Important You Sound Dumb

Many people in the business world have a disease. I like to call this disease Ego Ignorance. Ego Ignorance takes place when executives use nonsensical language to make themselves sound important - otherwise known as corporate buzzwords. I've create a list of top symptoms of this disease, so now if you see an ailed coworker, you can immediately send them to the instituion.


1) “Significant” Such as “Jones made a significant contribution to his team.”

What the heck does “significant” mean here? I use it all the time, but mainly, just to make the sentence seem more important. Significant is not a measurable amount. It’s just a fancy word for “big.” But if I write “big,” I will look like a fifth-grade graduate. Ugh.

2) “Cost-Savings” Such as "Landon created a spreadsheet process that produced cost-savings." In other words – Landon made a spreadsheet that saved the company money. But “cost-savings,” has a hyphen, and it’s a longer word, so we have to use that because apparently hyphens make the word more important.

3) “Critical” Otherwise known as IMPORTANT PEOPLE. But no, it’s “critical,” that we do not use the word “important,” because then, our competition will think we are not as cool as they are.

4) “Representment” Oh wait, that’s not even a word. You just made it up! Why do you stick to what you really mean which I think is “representation.” Apparently, marketing people don’t take English.

5) “Strategic efforts” Yeah, to apparently go nowhere if you keep using BS words like this.

6) “Utilize” The longer form of “use,” which means the exact same thing and is used in the exact same context. So use the shorter version big wig.

7) “Digitization” Omigosh. Seriously, you’re going to use this word? It’s a shame to Bill Gate’s empire.

And now for the kicker, I will use all words in a sentence, or two: Colleen created significant cost-savings through the digitization of critical methods. She utilized strategic efforts to display a represement of her outcomes so that everyone would be super amazed.

The end.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Roads Are For Cars!

Ah Summer. This sweet season brings us strawberries, beaches, tans and iced coffee. Let’s face it, we’re all pretty much in love with it. In all its glory, however, there is one reason why I’m glad these warm months are ending; BIKERS. More specifically; ROAD BIKERS.

Raise your hand if you can’t stand road bikers!!!!

(Both of my hands are raised).

Seriously. I have nothing against biking. I mean, I love it - ON BIKE PATHS. But biking on the road is just calling for trouble. I mean let’s say I’m in my little gold Saturn, tugging along at a nice pace, and then BOOM,I see a biker in front of me. This means I have to slow down to “bike speed,” which is like 10 miles per hour because I can't pass the biker on a slim road. So behind this biker are like twenty cars going 10 miles an hour so they don’t annihilate a brightly colored pedaler. In the meantime, they are late to wherever they are going and developing an ulcer from becoming so irritated with the superfluity of bikers that seem to surround Minneapolis.

Why are bikers even allowed on car roads anyway? I mean, it’s not safe. On wrong twist of my wheel and the poor biker is road kill. I don’t want to induce anyone to that fate, and I don’t think anyone wants to sucuumb to that fate – so why bike on the side of the road?

Then, oh boy, THEN there are the bikers that think they can just whiz around sharp corners really fast and onto oncoming traffic. Stop right there Mr.I Think I’m The Road Runner, you can’t survive a million catastrophes like our friend the Road Runner, you’re not the Road Runner! I’m going to hit you if you keep sneaking around like that!

Ugh. MNDOT take note – road bikers are not wanted. Please extinguish the possibility. In the meantime, at least I have one reason to thank Jack Frost’s arrival, because for the next five months, I’ll be free of these two-wheeled burdens.

Cheers:)

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

It's an Exciting Moment in My Life!

Britney Spears is back! Ha ha. She's got a new song - and you know what, I actually like it. Yes! I knew her reign wasn't over. Check it out

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

My Country Tis A Thee

Does anyone know what they are actually saying there? Tis athee? Tis to tee? I just realized I have no idea. Perhaps I will look it up online now. Okay - apparently it's "tis to thee," never knew. Now the next task is to find out what the heck that means, but I'll save that for another day.

The original purpose of this post - before I became confused with tis a thee, was to reflect on how classically American Labor Day weekend up at the lake is. This past weekend I went up to a cabin and found myself immersed in the truest and deepest American culture - in my opinion of course, and you know what, I LOVED it. Something about the God Bless America signs, suburbans with motor boats in tow and oldies playing on the outdoor speakers of a gas station made struck a perfect chord with my soul. I wanted to wrap the whole country up in my arms and squeeze tight - and I'm not being sarcastic either!

My patriotic pride swelled again as I walked into a small-town coffee shop made of logs and selling arts and crafts. I think what it is, is although I love diversity sometimes it's just so comforting about being in a place where everyone comes from the same background. For there's no need to explain yourself, and you can breath deeply and just be quiet. A place where they sell fresh apple pie, where people love cheeseburgers and Bud Lite, and completely drop everything to knock out the dance floor with their American thighs when ACDC comes on, or Def Leppard blares "Pour Some Sugar On Me," over the d.j.'s speakers. A place where people still line the streets for the fourth of July parade, and little children wave flags at the firetrucks and rotary club members passing by - and when the day gets too hot, you can jump into deep blue, bass-filled lakes surrounded by pine-tree forests.

Perhaps I'm mistaking nostalgia for patriotism, but to this day I'm telling you that those things are some of the reasons why I will always love America, no matter what people say. I'm not being political at all. I'm just saying I appreciate our culture - particularly small town culture and sometimes wish I could just wrap it up and put it in my pocket so I can escape into country fantasyland when BBC or the NYTimes keep telling me how messy this world is becoming.