Friday, August 29, 2008

How Not to a Comfort a Country

I saw this headline on Reuters today:

Cheney to give Georgia more U.S. reassurances

Yeah, I'm sure Georgia feels much better now, after being reassured by a man who accidentally shot his friend in the head. At this point, I think Georgia should take the advice given in The Onion yesterday:

The U.S. Strongly Advises Allies Not to Border Russia.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

And If You Didn't Think America Was Ethnocentric Enough...

Catalyzed by logic beyond my comprehension, it seems that some Americans want Barack Obama branded with the Scarlet Letter. For those of you who's tenth grade teacher didn't make you read The Scarlet Letter, that would be the letter "A."

Though "A" stood for adultery in the Puritan classic, the echoes of Red America haven't yet accused Obama of infidelity. Rather, they've branded him guilty of a more serious "A" sin, that's right, the sin of being the Antichrist. 

Being the antichrist not a good thing, despite what Marilyn Manson may think. I don't take the figure lightheartedly. 

I do, however, take the speculation that Barack Obama is this ominous, apocalyptic figure somewhat lightheartedly. Mainly for the reason that it's, well, ridiculous. Oh, and completely spurious. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not sure there's much in the Bible that actually affirms its basis. Plus there's the part that Barack Obama professes faith in Jesus, instead of claiming to be God, like the antichrist has been prophesied to do.

Anyway, the only reason this rumor upsets me at all, is because I think it shows the utter ethnocentricity of many Americans, dare I say, especially conservative Americans. (Disclaimer: In many ways I am conservative, not in this way). So in case anyone is completely lost as to what I am talking about see the TIME article here: 

So basically people freaked out because Obama has like, some similar characteristics of a fictional character, based upon a Biblical character. Here is the press release, from the authors of this book, actually disputing themselves the notion that Obama is the anti-christ.

Anyway, back to the ethnocentricity point. Notice in the press release the author mentions that he sees no reason to believe the anti-christ will be an American politician. Quote: “I can see by the language he uses why people think he could be the antichrist,” adds LaHaye, “but from my reading of scripture, he doesn’t meet the criteria. There is no indication in the Bible that the antichrist will be an American.”

But OF COURSE the accusers just automatically assume that an American politician will be the anti-christ. I mean come on, is there anyone else in the world? No. America is the only and MOST important country, like someone as important as the antichrist would come out of some outside, lesser nation. What a notion!

I mean, Vladimir Putnin? Kim Jong II (North Korea)? Whoever China's leader is? Ha! First of all, who are they? Second of all, they are pretty much harmless compared to America's "Obama Dangerous"! Speculated brainwashing with too much talk of "hope," vs. actual brainwashing through censorship...the former is a much bigger deal. Seriously.

Please people, get a grip. The world doesn't REVOLVE around America. I know this may be surprising to some, but America's actually not even mentioned in the Bible (gasp)! I'd be more concerned with Israel, or Egypt of even Ethiopia for that means. All which are mentioned in the Bible. I mean, if you're going to accuse Obama of being the antichrist, you should at least give him a fair shot by judging him against other "contenders," i.e current, popular, powerful world leaders. My goodness. 

And again, I'm definitely not mocking the concept of the antichrist. I hope this is not blasphemous in any way. I would urge everyone never to put too much hope in a politician, but keep their hope in God. I would also urge everyone to not assume all major events revolve around the good 'ol U.S.A. Well there you have it, two valuable lessons to take away today. Man, I will be a great teaching assistant:).

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Intellectualized English Dialect

On Monday and Tuesday I attended orientation for my grad program. Although a bit intimidating, I'm pretty excited about the opportunity it will provide. One thing that may annoy me though is all the "academic speak," put forth by aspiring or current intellectuals. It's really a different language, and I think I may become amazing at translating. 

Here's an example, first in plain English: "So one person says that they copier lady is mean, and now everyone just assumes that she is.

In academic speak: "One person has defined the identity of the operations assistant and now its the dominating ideological hegemony."

Hmmm, maybe I'm not that great yet. I think it will improve as time goes on. The only thing I fear is that practicing my new language may result in the disappearance of friends. A small sacrifice I guess I'll have to make.

Ok I have the day off. SCORE! I LOVE NOT BEING AT WORK!

Friday, August 22, 2008

A Day that Will Live on in History

Today is a day that will live on in history. A bittersweet day. Bittersweet in the sense that my lemonade perhaps has one piece of sour pulp, yet the rest is oh so delicious.

Yes viewing audience, today is my last day of work.

Give me a moment while I let it sink in.


YEEAAAHHH!!

I will miss some people here, and some aspects perhaps. There are also plenty of things I will not, indeed, miss. Allow me to elaborate.

Things I will miss:

  • The Money
  • About five or six people here
  • My flexible spending account
  • Unlimited printing access
  • Being the youngest person here as opposed to the elder I will be in my forthcoming environment
  • Watching Stephen Colbert or listening to This American Life every morning while going through my mindless a.m. routine
  • The abundant flow of free food in the break room
  • The blue pens I always “borrow” from the legal department
  • That’s pretty much it

Things I will (definitely) not miss:

  • The deterioration of my eyes that results from staring into the artificial glow of an LCD screen nine hours a day
  • The deterioration of my knees at such a young age, which results from my inability to maintain the one ergonomically correct position all flipping day. Need to shift in your seat at work? TOO BAD. Your choice: Switch positions, and deteriorate. Don’t move, and maintain your walking abilities until at least age 30. Pick one, we’re at war.
  • Writing an insurmountable amount of articles on intriguing topics such as “Settlement Operations,” or “New IVR Systems.”
  • Sitting. All. Day.
  • The neon lights
  • 45-hour work-weeks.
  • The majority of my tasks
  • Boredom/apathy=Ennui
  • Stressing out every afternoon as I deliver my companywide e-mails
  • Laying out newsletters
  • I need to stop now. Why? Because it’s TIME TO GO!

Goodbye Company, my almost lover.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

All White People Look Like Michael Phelps

This is hilarious. Ha! Everyone thinks this BBC guy is Michael Phelps and they go crazy.

Watch it!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/olympics/7569430.stm

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I am Inspired!

Greatness is so inspiring. Seriously. There is something about Olympic greatness that is even more inspiring. It brings people together too. Last night at the bar, I caught the end of Michael Phelp's final win - and it generated a conversation with some guys I had never met. 

Right now I'm re-watching yesterday's relay (you know, the one where Phelps freaking dominated and won his eighth medal of the week), and I'm crying!! Ha. He is so inspiring. You know, maybe he is so inspiring because the world doesn't have enough greatness now days. People aren't willing to risk their comfort for adventure. And only adventure and sacrifice generates greatness.

Michael Phelps has talent, obviously. But to be as great as he is, he also sacrificed a lot. He is ridiculous, and so inspiring. We need more people like him in this world! No matter what their talent is. To kind of segue the subject, you know some people say that Barack Obama is just running his campaign with pure semantics, empty words of hope that inspire people sure, but can they do anything else. 

Well what's wrong with hope? What's wrong with inspiration? Personally, I would say they are the most powerful catalysts for change and action. In fact I can't think of anything America, or the world needs more. 

The power of inspiration can be clearly portrayed in this: If Michael Phelps can win eight gold medals in one week, well than I can run all the way around Lake of the Isles. Which I'm going to do, right now. Perhaps later, I will change the world :)

Friday, August 15, 2008

Presidential Youth

Man, time sure can do some bodily damage. John McCain was pretty hot in his youth. See below:
















Considering his 71 years, I can't say he looks that bad now I guess.

Can't say George W. looked that bad in his youth either, well minus the unibrow. Private H.W. reporting to save the world!





















That didn't work too well, oh well.

Onto Barack. Barry here looks pretty much exactly the same. He gets the award for least aged in body and MIND! I mean come on, he knows who Ludacris is. Way to go BarryO!




















In the end though, I do realize that aging is not that bad. I mean you become wiser with each little line...right:) So I am sorry for my superficial criticisms and opinions. Take them with a grain of salt. I was personally just impressed with McCain's younger years. To the election!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Three Times More Shine!

I just saw a commercial for Pantene Pro-V conditioner that promised its shampoo can induce up to "three times more shine."

I have a question. How do you measure "shine?" Next thing you know they'll be saying "Pantene shampoo can make you five times more happy!" Or maybe that's an anti-depressant commercial. Anyway.

Is there some sort of Shine Meter you can shake your hair in front of and see its measurement soar from a two to a six? If so, I want this amazing tool. Because personally, I'm not seeing the results myself. My hair looks frizzy and not shiny no matter what shampoo I use.

Three times more shine! Imagine.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Batman: Lost in Translation

For the past few months, I’ve been hanging out with a girl who recently moved here from Thailand. Her family fled Burma (Myanmar) when she was really young to escape the government’s persecution of their ethnic group, the Karen people. So she grew up in this Thai refugee camp on the border of Burma, and in February her name was drawn in a lottery and she was able to immigrate to the U.S.

Score.

She loves it here but obviously misses her family. She’s 19, and her family hasn’t yet received the opportunity to move.

Anyway, so the point I want to get across is that she hasn’t experienced a lot of first-world culture, growing up in mud hut and all. Obviously, movie theaters are included in this realm of culture she's never experienced. So last week I took her to see Batman at the Imax. I told her about the movie and its characters prior to the showing.

Now Nue Nu (her name) doesn’t understand English well enough to understand English movies, but she seemed entertained enough throughout – occasionally jumping out of her seat at shocking parts. I was a bit confused though, because she asked me a couple times throughout who was the bad guy, and who was the good guy. Personally, I thought this was rather obvious. So I would tell her “well, Batman is the good guy. Joker is bad because he kills people.” She understood me, but always acknowledged my answer with a confused look.” I think this happened a couple times.

The movie ended, she thought it was loud (as I guess would everyone who’s never really been around speakers before), but had enjoyed the experience. On the way back I’m chatting away about Batman and she stops me: “Wait, how do you spell batman’s name?”

“It’s B-A-T-M-A-N,” I said, “like the animal.” I started flapping my arms in a wing-like motion in case looking like a schizophrenic would in some way clarify my description.

A look of enlightenment literally (ok not really literally) washes over her face. “Ohhhh,” she exclaimed. “Batman….I thought you were saying his name is BADman!!”

We both had a good laugh over that one. No wonder she was so confused the whole movie. She thought the guys name was Badman and yet I’m telling her he’s the good guy. Batman got lost in translation. Oh well, at least Christian Bale’s beauty transcends ALL language and culture. Go Bruce Wayne!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

International Diplomacy via JT

So, being the master of diplomacy that I am, when I was in Congo last year I taught our translator the phrase "bringing sexy back." Now it's his favorite phrase! Another team from Minneapolis just went to Goma (city in Congo), upon their departure, I received this e-mail from my translator friend Stewart:

Hey Colleen
Here is another another new slang I learnt from the Team.
Get out of my grill son !!!! ( I will say this to Colleen when pigs fly).
oof the heezy !!
" Dirty babe, you see this shackles baby I am your slave and I will let you whip me if I miss behave, it is just that none makes me feel this way " Guess who said this ?
You could be proud of hearing me singing you the song to bring sexy back !!!
I did sing it on the camera in Goma when the team was hear * that is funny*


Hahaha. If you guys knew Stewart, this would be funnier. That's all for now.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Ghandi Stole this from Jesus, but it's Still Good:)

Mahatma Gandhi went from city to city, village to village collecting funds for the Charkha Sangh. During one of his tours he addressed a meeting in Orissa. After his speech a poor old woman got up. She was bent with age, her hair was grey and her clothes were in tatters. The volunteers tried to stop her, but she fought her way to the place where Gandhiji was sitting. "I must see him," she insisted and going up to Gandhiji touched his feet. Then from the folds of her sari she brought out a copper coin and placed it at his feet. Gandhiji picked up the copper coin and put it away carefully. The Charkha Sangh funds were under the charge of Jamnalal Bajaj. He asked Gandhiji for the coin but Gandhiji refused. "I keep cheques worth thousands of rupees for the Charkha Sangh," Jamnalal Bajaj said laughingly "yet you won't trust me with a copper coin." "This copper coin is worth much more than those thousands," Gandhiji said. "If a man has several lakhs and he gives away a thousand or two, it doesn't mean much. But this coin was perhaps all that the poor woman possessed. She gave me all she had. That was very generous of her. What a great sacrifice she made. That is why I value this copper coin more than a crore of rupees."