All I ever needed to know, I learned from bumper stickers

Yesterday as I was driving down my usual route of the bumpy terrain, known universally as 394E – a bumper sticker caught my eye. It read as so:







I had a stunning revelation.

I have never realized that the south has been fighting terrorism since 1861, and actually, I never realized that the South still had its own flag! I mean, I knew that the Civil War began in 1861. But I thought that was fought over territories and slavery (well, as an afterthought). Maybe I was wrong? Which got me thinking, did I even need to go to college, if they are going to teach me all this false information? Like, that the Civil War ended in 1865 and that ‘slavery,’ and ‘northern territories’ weren’t synonymous for ‘terrorism.’

You know, I probably didn’t even need to go to school at all. As my eyes wandered throughout the busy lanes and dashing cars, more and more educational bumper stickers caught my eye, and this thought became more of a reality. All I ever needed to know could have been learned through bumper stickers! What a waste. Here are some more examples of the didactic messages I was enlightened with via this vehicular channel of communication:

“A Kid On The Ice Is Not In Hot Water” This nouveau proverb was authored by some hockey association, and it absolutely amazed me!! Whenever I looked at kids in ice rinks in the past, I was for sure that the solid ice was in fact hot water! And I always thought those hockey players had it easy – skating on ice that was like a hot tub. I’m glad someone finally alerted me to my misunderstanding!

“Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History” Seriously? So Jackie Kennedy, Queen Victoria, Mary Magdalene, Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, Grace Kelly, Betsy Ross, Eleanor Roosevelt, etc… etc… were all radically misbehaved women! Time to look for new role models…

This is a favorite from high school “You Can’t Hug Children with Nuclear Arms.” Wow. I always thought that nuclear missiles were the most ideal tool to hug little kids with. I never had any though. Well now that I know you can’t use them to hug kids, maybe I can be more affectionate toward little children. (And yes, I get that the phrase is a play on words).

Or my favorite “My Kid Could Beat Up Your Honor Student.” Great! Next time I need someone to beat up my honor student, I will contact license plate number KYC 455. Have a nice day.