I've Been Thinking Too Much Again - And It is Lengthy...

That’s right – I’ve been thinking too much again – and the result is someone gets to read a messed-up philosophical entry from me! Good times.

So I have something I have to cognitively sort-out, because I feel frustration and passion welling up inside me now, literally about to burst. See, I’ve thought and thought, and have found myself caught smack-dab in the middle of two opposing ideologies, seemingly unable to come to grips with either. My feelings are kind of nebulous right now, making them hard to explain, especially in an organized formula, but hopefully I can get something down on this electronic medium that makes some sort of sense.

I’m not even sure how to start, so I guess I’ll just start with today. I woke up this morning healthy and relatively happy, yet my spirit was completely deflated, weighed down by the monotony that I would encounter for the next nine hours; work. I feel guilty about this – because I am so lucky to have my job, and be provided for, and am appreciative to God for this.

However, I am still weighted at the thought of work. No matter how I desperately try to change my attitude, work often becomes the bane of my existence – a mundane, fluorescent-lighted reality I have to encounter every day. That’s not to say some days are better than others, in task and emotion. Today however, is not one of those better days.

So here’s where my controversy kicks in. What do I do with these feelings of indifference? One ideology says to me “chase your dreams,” while another says “this is life, make do with what you have.”

A lot of me believes unwillingly in the “this is life,” philosophy, for, in my grandmother’s words “work is work.” I feel this creed is somewhat biblical too. I mean there are tons of verses stating “be joyful always,” or further down in Philippians “I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation…. I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.” Also, the verse that really gets me when I really don’t want to work is “whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as if working for the Lord and not for men.”

But then you get all these Christian authors who are like “live your dreams! God wants more for you than a dispassionate existence, take chances!” Obviously one book everyone is reading right now is giving me the box for my soapbox – Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus.

I mean, Jesus does say “I have come to give you life to the full,” and then there’s “Delight yourself in the Lord and you shall have the desires of your heart.” But that delight --- will it come through in any situation, or will delighting in the Lord lead you to a situation in which you will have the desires of you heart?

I guess, all of my life, I’ve prided myself on being a realist, scorning idealists for their naivety and woolgathering. But I’m sick of being a realist. I don’t want to be a realist, I want to be an idealist. I want to believe there is more out there for me than this mundane, digitally-lighted experience. Perhaps experiences like this are waiting periods? Is this really what I was designed for? I know God requires everyone to work, and to work hard. Are we supposed to not like our work? Or is there hope that we can work hard at something because we are passionate about it. Instead of have to use every ounce of energy in our veins to try and work hard at something because our apathy and restlessness is pushing us in the opposite direction. Perhaps some people would love this opportunity, and would be satisfied by it, but it’s just me who isn’t.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Thus is the story of our lives I guess.